Again...

Again. Am trying. Again.

I have a theory.

Living alone can make you mad.

Nobody to make sure your laundry is done.
Nobody to say it's okay to be sick.
Nobody to smile or growl when you get home.
Nobody to fight for the remote with.
Nobody to make dinner for.
Nobody to finish all the cookies.
Nobody to put on clothes for, or take off.

Many people I know live with their families. Just as many live with strangers.
Because it's cheaper.
Yup its all about the money.

But imagine if living places were cheap.
We'd all have our own little hell holes and we'd live so independently that we'd go mad.
Really, we would.
Cause, cause - you'd have no witnesses to your life at home.
And that is what the point of sharing your life with anyone is about - having a witness.
The Story of Us - that's what Michelle Pfeiffer tells Bruce Willis.
That she has been a witness to his life - that he existed. That he lived.
And he was there for her - in highs and in lows.

And that's why living alone will make u mad - eventually.
Because there are no witnesses to your life - not the parts when u smile at a stray cat seeking shelter from the rain in Nandos. Not for the times where u laugh out so loud seeing George's predicament in Grey's Anatomy or screaming for Simon Baker's towel to stay on or fall off...

NO WITNESSES

Happy Birthday

Before I get into "it", let me say this.
Happy Birthday Fritz.
Happy Birthday CD.

Two people I know celebrate their birthday today.
One is family another is a friend.
It's very weird but they are the two people I see quite a bit, inhabiting part of my world and born on the same day. May be you are both guardian angels.
:)

I love birthdays. Did I ever tell you that?
I love that people come together to celebrate you.
Your life. That you exist.
I find it very uplifting. Very powerful.
It's not so much the age. It's more of the life you have lived.

I had a discussion once with CD about birthdays.
Is it just a milestone? Is it just a chance to show off?
Why make all this people come and say nice things about you?
Buy you presents? What does it matter?

We didn't come to a conclusion (that is the lovely thing about discussions)
But I kinda established what I think about birthdays through that discussion
(apart that I love them so much).

I have decided that birthdays are a focus point.
The point where everyone you know and love (as well as them pesky colleagues) focus their energies on you. Just by wishing you happy birthday they send you tremendous vibes and blessings. By spending time with you, by deciding on a present, having a meal together etc. Of course you will argue you can do that everyday. True true but it's the one day when everybodies energy is focussed on you. Even if it's just for a brief moment.
I think it is tremendously and fantastically powerful.

So that's my recent thought on birthdays.

If I had to choose a day,
When the mysteries of the universe were to be revealed,
If I had to choose a day,
When God would answer my questions,
And smile fervently at me,
I'd choose my birthday.

If I had to make a whole tray of chocolate chip cookies,
And roast a chicken, a pheasant and a leg of lamb,
And whisk the eggs whites till they were stiff in the bowl,
I'd choose my birthday.

If I had to choose a day to smile on sun and say I'm happy,
To wake up in the morning with a spring in my step,
To have to wash my hair and blow it dry
And all the while think how happy and lucky I am,
I'd choose my birthday.

If I could choose the day I'd die,
I'd choose my birhtday.

Why? Then the circle would be complete.
:)

Me. where. here. there. everywhere.

At work: My desk has moved two floors down to a newly renovated area. It's quite classy. Finally looks like a proper news floor. We have glass conference rooms - so you can watch the bosses turn red with rage from the comforts of your desk. We have individual tables now in a proper semi-square. We used to have long desks before with terminals one after the other. We used to complain of being in each others noses. Now the feeling is isolation. Ha ha.

It's a lovely place really - all the different desks are now together. But i think everyone is a bit weary of the other desks - no one is shouting for things to be done. Though the consensus is that there will be plenty of hollering once the bosses are used to all the space. I must show you all some pictures soon.

We have two little pantrys and have been adviced to eat there, but the thing has been empty thus far...i think nobody here knows what to do in a pantry. but us jounalists can get very very creative ;) The smoking room though is a big hit! no suprises there - jounalists and smoking are supposedly synonmous.

and the next stage for my desk is the decorating part. where you get silly little things to put around. talking points. like a figurine bending over with his hand outstretched in front where you stick your pen in and put little note paper in his butt - his butt crack holds the paper together! (hey don't scream at me my FRIEND nearly bought that!)

at home: most of my time at the apartment is spent sleeping. or reading. sometimes cooking even. i made some chicken curry and bayam last week. was craving that combination for some reason. the long hours asleep is not just cause i am tired. but i think it has to do with the room being dark even in the day time that the melatonin just keeps producing and i just feel continuously sleepy. at least that's my theory. my apartment mate is a great. very kind and very generous. bit of a liverpool fanatic, but that's nice.

in the car: am still driving dad's car. its a bit tough keeping it shiny all the time. but its a great convinience and am very greatful to have full reign over it. though i think the time is coming soon when i will have to hand it back. not to mention the atrocious price of petrol that this petrol producing country is making us pay. so i have to start practising with taxis very very soon.

inmyhometown: going back now roughly once a month. mum and dad do come down to kl for something or the other so we do meet. guess all this is part of the separation thingy parents and children are supposed to do. though i think it was meant to have started when the child is 18! but hey i feel 18!hah! the dogs are a riot. mummy has two fella - males - my office mates love stories about them. the last trip home i took pics with my new phone (which was a gift from someone very very sweet), and the desk was oohing and aahing over them. they don't know it, but they are celebrities here. What did they do today they ask? (More like what did they destroy today?)

in ol' skool: ol' skool is this pub in pj. its an old fashion place. they have live bands and they play really really old music. and its a place i am really beginning to like. its the kind of pub where everybody knows your name you know... ha ha ... i'll take you there if you like. its unpretensious, its unassuming. and best of all nobody tries to pick u up nor do they bring you down with smugness. bangsar is becoming like that a bit - so full of themselves its sickening. so ol' skool's where i go (with a couple of colleagues) to chill.

in sfx: sfx is the church i go to on sundays (sometimes saturday evenings if i can get the day off). i go alone. again its a place where i can be just me. the priests are often times funny and insightful. the music is ok on sundays and great on saturday evening. we have sb officers and students doing religious studies observing us. sometimes i am afraid. sometimes when we discuss freedom of religion in this country i wonder how much of anything is actually worth it in the end. maybe lennon was right. then we sing i surrender all and i know that, that is right... for me. that i have a choice. choices are so life affirming.

in the cinema: watched so many movies the last two weeks - the breakup, lakehouse, mistress of spices, avellaneda's moon, lady in the water etc. i love the cinema. so so much. i just like the idea of just sitting there and staring and have all this madeness and ideas and beliefs and experiences just thrown at me. i like that people are expressing themselves and i don't have to (at least not until i come out of the cinema). I like cheezels in the cinema. i like the ads. i like the curtain moving. i like the trailers. i like i like i like.

in me: in me is a very special place. a place that at times is barren but most times so overflowing that everyone around gets drenched. in 'o' magazine, i read the other day that some people are sponges. they absorb everything around them. i tot that was just how things were. how do you interact and not absorb? so that is what i have been thinking about lately. the topic of the week in my head. another thing that has come out from inside me is this - that i am a product of two worlds. have you ever thought that? its like living two different lives. fodder for thought i say!

in me is also so much love and at times that hurts. because love can cloud over so many things. love can be so forgiving. can't be sure that's good. sometimes forgiving can be bad - it opens you up for more hurt. that's what i am in the process of thinking about. no conclusions as yet.

i like that too. no conclusions. it holds so much promise when there is no end. well not always. no closure can be life stopping. it can be draining. so i guess conclusions are good. as long as they are timely. and the time for conclusion in this piece of writing - is now.

this is all the places "me" resides. shared.

BOXingOFFICing

Went to the movies this week. Good stuff in the cinema.
I want to talk about Lakehouse.
No I don't have a thing for Keanu Reeves though I think he was not bad.
The dog was smelly and knotty - but I liked that.
Sandra Bullock was lovely. Liked that too.
Got to see Chicago. That was nice.

I want to talk about the fact that the movie disturbed me.
It left me sighing, choking at some parts. Even a little angry.
The movie left these thoughts in my mind -
That our past is so intrically woven in the present.
That people come in and out of our lives for reasons so huge so unfathomable. It's never a coincidence. It's never random. It's meant to be.
Yes go ahead and argue that the movie is about people of two different years communicating that it could never happen to us never happen cannot happen and I answer you this. It's merely your past communicating with your future. Like it or not it happens everday. Everytime you say to yourself, if only. Or how i wish i could change that. Or how wish i said yes. or i said no. Remember the what ifs. He asked me to marry him. I was too scared. She said just one more minute. But I couldn't wait. She said you don't understand and I stormed out. He said I want you to stay and I said I needed to see the world. Every one of those times your past came into your future. Your past made your future. So don't tell me it cannot happen.

This is what I think. No matter how much you want things to be different or for people to act and feel differently, I know this... it was all meant to be this way. My decisions and actions and experiences are what made today real. So this also means that there are people in the past that I have let go off. People I didn't care about. People that made my life misarable. But I needed that misery. I needed it to be able to write. For writers are meant to be miserable. To write from pain even if that pain is camouflaged in joy in happiness.

All my nos and all my yesses make me. And you know what - when the time is right - it will all come together. Timing is everything. Time is what makes us. Time makes us human. Only because it is something we can't control. We are slaves to time. But i like to think of it like this - that time is merely making sure we are ready. Ready for those dreams ready for those days in the sun we keep imagining.

Time is on our side. AND so I say... get ready. That moment those moments that day that year that decade - its on its way!

Oh think of sweet reunion.
Between dreamer and dream.
Between writer and words.
Between soul and soul.
Between sweetheart and sweetheart.

It just has to happen. Time is witness to that.

Bookie book book

I went online and searched for books that were making people upset, the books that were "challenged". I found a list that claimed to be the top hundred, compiled by the Office for Intellectual Freedom, American Library.

It's an odd list really.
I decided to find out how many on that list I had read.
I found 5.
And read half/way 2.
So out of 100 books that people got upset about - I'd read, say, 6!
Six out of hundred.

Then I went to the New York Times Best-sellers - the paperback fiction list.
Out of 35, I read 3.
Ok odds are improving.
What other lists are out there?

Why all this drama? Just trying to figure out whether I'm reading my own little world or reading what the rest are interested in....

What have you read lately?

What we absorb subconsciously... daily

Our tv shows william wallace being stretched, tortured, a sickle to his stomach twisted.
Our tv shows alexander the great in a bloody battle with horses killed and elephants hit with arrows oozing blood, screaming in agony.
Our tv shows a girl running after her mother's boyfriend who has her puppy in a pillowcase - he throws it over a bridge into the waters of the river below.

We see albino monks whipping themselves wearing chalices.
We see women chased, jumped and then raped.

Yet our censors deem it responsible to end kisses midway.
To stop husband and wife making love.
To black out pictures of breasts and yet blow up pictures of guns, bombs and the destruction they bring.

What a wonderful wonderful way of thinking.
Human body, love and sex - bad.
Murder, rape and war - good.