The last four days

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Well, yes I do think on a daily basis, but these past four days, I've been working the grey cells a little harder. This was, of course, generated by the fact that I was on leave, as well as the hard fact that I had just turned 27.

Twenty-seven is a nice number. It's a number that can look sexy, smart and a little manic. It's a number that looks like it's waiting for something to happen.

And that, my dear readers, is what I have been waiting for my whole life - something to happen. I've waited to grow up, I've waited to drive, I've waited to get rich, waited to work, waited to be kissed, waited to vote, waited to live on my own, waited to lie under the skies, waited for my first flaming lambourghini, waited to bungee jump, waited for a tatoo, waited to travel, waited for spiritual awakening...waited waited waited... all because I knew that at these points in my life... something would happen.

Well, I've done quite a few of those things... but still I wait for something to happen.

What to happen? You ask? Many things really, but mostly, at those points in my life, I waited for one thing... to fall in love. Fall in love so deeply, that it would take my breath away... that he would be my knight in shinning armour, my hero, my star... my soulmate.

As a very young girl I was mesmerised by love - in poetry, in fairytales, in songs, in movies and mostly in books. Love so varied, so vast, so deep, that it was almost an abyss. A point of no return. I wanted that more than ever... and it was the focul point of my life, as a young girl and even as a young woman, to walk down the aisle, in white, in a church full of lilies, full of hope, full of song, full of love.

And, I'd honestly say, that nothing much has changed, as I sit here today, writing as a not-so-young adult. I still dream of it, I still think of it, I still hope in it.

But something has changed, all so slightly, these past four days...

I don't want to be waiting anymore. No... I say enough.

I am going to live. Yes that's right, live. Live, it the way, that my life is meant to be lived. I won't pine or say, it's not fair. I won't stay up at night and say, yucks an empty bed. And the hardest part is this... I will tell myself (albeit gently), that maybe I am meant for a single life. An independent life, a life full of friends and family - there is where my love, life and energy will go to from now on... and not to an idea of a person in a cosmos somewhere, who may not have ever been alive.

So, I say thank you, to lovers in the past who took me on a magical journey (while it lasted), to Shakespeare, Lord Bryon and the likes for poetry so sweet that kept me warm on rainy rainy nights. Thank you, to tales of love (especially Lovestory, and thousands others that elude me this night...) that embraced me, you I will always cherish. Thanks for lovesongs on the radio... you take me to places I have always dreamt of visiting. And mostly, most heartfelt thanks to those 500-odd romance novels that I have read in my lifetime... you shall always have a place in my heart, for we have to keep some flutter of romance alive babe!

Cherio my lovelies... I end with an excerpt from a song I like,

Ooh I've been to Georgia and California and, anywhere I could run,
Took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun,
but I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free,
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me...

Ooh I've been to Nice and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht,
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got,
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see,
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me,

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete,
But I.....I took the sweet life and never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet,
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free.... hey lady...... I've been to paradise...... but I've never been to me...